Letting Go
Several weeks ago my Mom and I were sitting by the ocean looking at my children as they played and wrestled around with each other in the water. Even writing the word “children” seems slightly odd. My boys are basically grown; both have towered over me for years. And our little girl, the third baby that rounded out our family so perfectly, is now 13. As we sat there in that moment, watching all three of them, wondering if they would have more moments like this as our family dynamic changes with college just a few weeks away, it was a whirlwind of emotions. While reminiscing, my Mom told the story she loves to tell. I spent most of my motherhood in denial over it but the simple fact of the matter is it’s 100% true. My children would have NEVER learned to climb a tree, pick up frogs, or jump off porches had it not been for her. And let’s be honest while we are at it. They probably would have never had sweet tea or ice-cream for breakfast either! But that is what grandmothers are for!
But that day on the beach my thoughts were of a different story. I thought about the times through my early twenties where I had prayed, “Lord please don’t let me be pregnant!” And then when I was married and desperately wanted a little baby in my arms it was not as easy as I had thought. I then found myself praying for a child. Thank goodness we serve a loving and forgiving God! In January 2001 he blessed me with one of the best days of my life! My “little” 10 pound 5 ounce baby entered this world. And the love I felt that day was so deep, so intense. It was a love like I had never felt. Despite my imperfect life I had this tiny little perfect human and he was ALL mine! And I was further blessed with two more babies over the next 5 years.
Although being a Mother has brought so much joy to my life; it also set me on a collision course with fear, anxiety, and self-control. There were times where I was completely immobilized with fear and my greatest task was keeping my children safe. And I drove everyone crazy with my constant worry and doom outlook! So yes, my Mother is absolutely correct. My children would not have learned to climb trees or jump off things without her! As my children became teenagers I began to really feel out of control. They were riding in cars with friends, staying out later, getting more opinionated, and sometimes making mistakes as they learned to navigate this crazy world. It often led to arguments and slammed doors. I took all of this upon myself to “fix” and used medication to keep it all together.
Looking back I see that I also completely striped my husband of his Fatherly duties. I made all of the decisions and often I was not willing to compromise when it came to “my” children. Many times I argued on their behalf in front of them or never asked my husband his opinion. I took this burden on my shoulders because I felt that I was the only one who knew what was best for them. But slowly over time as I continued to read my Bible and listened to teachings from our Women’s Ministry (Titus Woman!) I knew I had some “heart surgery” to do. All of these teachings began to have an impact on me! But I just wasn’t ready to listen!
But last January, my friend and the Director of our Pursuit Women’s Ministry, Terri Broome was teaching a series titled “Created to Be Consumed.” On this particular evening it was about FEAR. Terri read from Luke Chapter 12:32 where Jesus says, “So don’t be afraid, little flock. For it gives your Father great happiness to give you the Kingdom.” That night as Terri was teaching I wrote down her words, “Anything that CONSUMES you more than God won’t bring life!” My heart was immediately convicted because FEAR of something bad happening to my children often left me physically and emotionally sick but I tried really, really hard to downplay her teaching! I left right after we finished our small groups that night. I felt faint – my world had been completely jolted by God’s words through Terri. I did not want to realize the truth that she spoke. Despite my transformation with the Holy Spirit over the last year I was still holding on to my children, through “my” power. And honestly my children held a lot of power over me as well. My moods more often than not were directly affected and controlled by them. I wasn’t ready to face this reality but God was chasing me down! A few days later another conviction came over me as I was driving to a business meeting in High Point. This time I really felt that I would lose my children if I kept fighting in my own power to protect them. With teary eyes and a willing heart I gave my children to God that day on I-40. I said out loud, “Lord, these children are yours NOT mine!” I finally realized I did not have the earthly power that is required to train up a child in the way he should go! And I let go.
Proverbs 22:6 “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.”
Later when I went back and read the scriptures Terri taught on, the verse before Luke 12:32 really explained her words that night. In Chapter 12:31, Jesus warns about worry. He said, “Seek the Kingdom of God above all else and he will give you everything you need.” In the teaching portion of my NLT Bible it reads, “Seeking the Kingdom of God above all else means making Jesus the Lord and King of your life. He must control every area – your work, play, plans, relationships. Is the Kingdom only one of your many concerns, or is it central to all you do? Are you holding back any areas of your life from God’s control? As Lord and Creator he wants to help provide what you need as well as guide how you use what he provides.” Yes, I was holding back.
From that day forward the prayers for my children changed. I still pray for their safety but I also pray that they will be eager to know God, continue following Him, to trust Him, and to have purpose and understanding in this life. I pray that they find spouses who also love God and family and that generations will follow in their path. I pray that they will be part of a movement that changes modern Christianity and that they hold fast to their faith when tempted by the wicked ways of this world. Despite my own personal hopes and desires for my children, I pray that their lives follow God’s plan and not my plan. His will, not mine. And while we definitely continue to set boundaries and teach our children, I am learning how to not let them be a stronghold over me. And I am learning how to make decisions with my husband and through prayer!
Deuteronomy 31:6 “So be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you; he will never fail you nor abandon you.”
We’ve now come to this defining moment in our family and I am holding on to these words of Moses. The way of life that we have known for 18 years will change in one single sun rise over this earth. When we wake up on August 15th we will be the parents of a college Freshman, a high school senior, and an 8th grader. I am by all means a complete work in progress and there have been a few times in recent weeks where the weight of this reality has been hard to ignore. Last week I read a Facebook post from Bridge Christian Church titled “Putting the Basket in the Water: Trusting God in the Next Phase of Your Life.” As I read this powerful story of Jehoshaphat, I understood that Jesus for sure also knew the overwhelming feeling of saying goodbye and that He will give me the strength to weather this change in my life. Oh how I love God’s gentle and loving reminder of the commitment I made to Him!
I am often reminded of Ephesians Chapter 3:17-18; this amazing scripture that I had not one time heard or read until I attended Pursuit Church! “Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is.” As I read these verses I made a note in my Bible – “this is one of my favorite verses; we just can’t comprehend His love! Much like the love of a Mother.” Through prayer and faith the roots of God’s love are available to all of us!
So I am taking it one day at a time as we move into this next chapter of our lives. And if I have to run, I will run to Jesus with any fear or anxiety that tries to take hold of me. Because the power of the Holy Spirit lives in me and I know the role that I play to my three children has eternal value!
And while I know not every Working Woman Rooted in Faith is a Mother I hope that you can read this personal testimony that God gave me to share and look upon your life in reflection. Take the time to pray and ask that God will reveal to you areas that you have not completely given Him control over. You will soon find the heart surgery you need to grow closer in your walk of faith with Christ!
Much love!
Heather
You can find Terri Broome’s teachings on YouTube by searching Pursuit Women’s Ministry. Created to Be Consumed is a 4 part series.
